2020-06-18 Frozen Custard, Open Eyes
Frozen Custard, Open Eyes
Location: 1300 Carroll Avenue - Music Room
Date and Time: June 18, 2020 late night
Summary: Luu helps Norea through awakening; custard and heartbreak
Mood Music: Psychic TV - "The Orchids"
Note: This log was very lightly edited to remove certain private information before public presentation.
It's a little late, but not the middle of the night, when Luu's phone shows an incoming call. The caller ID indicates it's Norea, the Fortunae apprentice with whom she crossed paths in the back room at the Tradition-sponsored coffee shop a week or two ago.
"Luu?" The other woman's voice sounds weak and laden with hard emotion. "This is Norea...We met recently? I'm...I'm sorry for calling so late..."
The phone picks up after two rings. There's no immediate response on the phone line once answered, even after Norea introduces herself. A few moments of silence, before Luu responds, her voice a bit tense though with definite hints of empathy, "No, it's fine. How can I help you, Norea? Is everything alright"
"I think so....No?" On her end Norea struggles mightily to put feeling and thought into words. "I saw stuff that is gone now. And since nothing like that has ever happened to me before, I can't be sure what it was. Is." A pause. "That's...that's probably all I can say over the phone." Another pause. "I live alone. I've tried calling Johan but can't reach him." Without a doubt, she sounds anxious. Not terrified, not panicked -- but definitely uncertain, confused, and insecure.
There's another long pause on the line, before Luu says, "I think I understand and I can come over. Just as long as you understand that I'm going to be bringing over some frozen custard, you're going to be sharing it with me, and you're not going to say anything about how much of it I eat. Deal?"
A considerable pause on Norea's end; her voice conveys pleasant surprise when she finally replies. "I love frozen custard. I don't care how much you want to eat. So...yeah. Deal." A beat. "I live at 1300 Carroll Avenue, Angelino Heights area. I'll unlock the front gate so you can come straight to the front porch and ring the door bell." She takes an audible, deep breath. "Thanks. See you soon."
A little less than half an hour later, the doorbell is rung, followed by a knock in case the former does not work. Outside the door, Luu waits holding a soft thermos bag in one hand, the frozen custard preserved inside with ice packs. Luu looks to be fairly freshly showered, her hair dyed Neon Apocalypse Orange and up in a double bun. The outfit she wears is straight out of the Celine look book, dark plastic iconic frames; a blue preppry dress with delicate floral designs; and what look almost to be tan Timberland boots, a little bit of unshaven leg visible between them and the hemline of the dress. The outfit is light and cheerful, and Luu seems to be doing her best to present herself that way; and while her make-up is done in a clean nude look, a close examination will reveal the slightly red and puffy eyes of someone that has recently been crying.
That's makes two of them, since Norea has clearly also been crying at some point within the past hour. Her relief at the sight of Luu when she opens the door is equally clear. "Hi," she says to the tune of a heavy exhale. "Come on in." She steps out of the way so her guest can enter. Even when she's at home -- which is about as casual as she gets -- her apparel is vintage; Luu can easily guess the other woman doesn't own a single pair of sweat pants or similar. At the moment she's wearing a romper in a bright pink and orange flower-power print that's right out of a 1960's department store and her hair is down hippy-style. She smiles when she notices Luu's hair "color of the day/week." "We match." After closing the door and locking it she says, "Let's take that to the music room. I already set up bowls and spoons and a scoop."
"Hey," Luu responds, her voice soft and threatening to be carried off by the wind. Holding the thermos bag in front of her, head slightly lowered, Lu steps into the house. As she passes, there's a delicate scent of a barely tehre perfume: grass, flowers, trees, a lake, petrichore, and a slight note of smog; an urban park perfectly captured. Partly inside the home, Luu turns her head to look at the outfit, a small smile as she notes, "Those coincidences, huh?" Turning, she takes another step into the house, lightly swinging the bag, and noting, "I'd already passed on the idea of a bowl by the time you had called, so you'll have to forgive me for that, but we can pivot to them if you prefer." A glance is given towards the back, to try to suss out where the music room might be, before Luu turns to look back at Norea and wonders, "Everything alright?"
"Yeah, I'm alright. Or I will be." Norea smiles faintly, looking awkward at having a guest over for the first time rather late at night, but at the same time so grateful. "It's just this way, down the hall," she says as she leads the way. "It's one of the few rooms in the house with contemporary decor. If I had stuck with just the piano, that wouldn't be the case. But I wanted to preserve the potential to have musicians over who play more modern instruments like electric guitar, and who doesn't enjoy a good session of Rock Band, right? So I compromised." As foretold, there's a pair of bowls on the coffee table, two spoons, an ice cream scoop, napkins, glasses of water. Norea sinks down onto the sofa and folds her hands in her lap and says, "You're really here, aren't you? I mean, I'm not dreaming that you're here, or that you're carrying a thermos bag and all that?"R
A small nod is given as Luu takes small steps towards the music room, just barely managing to not drag the thermos bag behind her. "I remember having a piano in the house when I was little," Luu responds, though the reminiscence seems merely matter-of-fact rather than some fond recollection; it's not a cold statement, though, and it could just be her current mood. "Never really played Rock Band," she adds as she takes a look around, "sounds like something Johan would be into."
Walking over to the sofa, Luu takes a careful seat, leaning over to unzip the thermos bag before getting full comfortable. Tilting her head to look back to Norea, Luu regards her for a moment, as if perhaps she's wondering the same thing herself. "I'm here," she finally says in a soft voice, before taking two pints of a frozen custard from the thermos bag and placing them on the table. Hopping back lightly with her butt, Luu flops into the sofa, before turning slightly to her side. Resting her left elbow on the back of the couch, and her head on Hello Kitty's, she does her best to offer the other woman a reassuring smile. "Things got weird, huh?"
"Well...'weird' is one way to put it..." Something about that particular adjective is unsatisfying for Norea and she realizes there's nothing for it but to just dive in and start at the beginning.
"I was playing the piano when suddenly one of the keys got stuck. When I propped up the lid and looked inside, there was this golden triangle with Greek writing in the strings." She says this as if in and of itself it was nothing strange. "I took it out and read the message. It had a musical note on it and said, 'Can you play me?' So I sat back down and played the note...except as soon as my hands touched the keys, I heard more than just one note; I heard the beginning of a melody. It just came to me, and I played it...until another key stuck and I heard a 'clank.' And when I looked inside the piano there was another golden triangle caught beneath one of the hammers. And so it went on this way several times, with each triangle I suddenly heard the next several bars of the composition. And then--"
The Fortunae apprentice's eyes well up with clinging tears and her voice trembles as she swallows hard and continues, "And then my entire mind was filled with song. My two hands formed a perfect harmony of tone and number, a perfect synthesis of sign and its meaning. Number, word, and sign began to rush together inside my mind. It was as if the universe, or close to it,were all at my finger tips. The piano keys were no longer just keys, they were THE KEYS, and I was making the World Soul Sing just like the Creator did at the beginning of time! My hands danced upon the Keys, delighting in the possibilities. For just an instant I had a complete understanding of Creation!" Her voice rises to a crescendo as she finishes the summary, "I saw the golden triangles dissolve into numbers: the equation known as Euler's Identity, also called 'God's Equation.'" She stops, hovering in space and time, face glowing with remembered rapture and ecstasy. For a single moment she relives it in all its radiant glory. And then the next moment her face screws up with a very different remembered emotion: remembered pain, shock, grief. "And then, it was /gone/! Gone! I stood at the gates of Paradise and then suddenly found myself back on earth and I don't know what to do!"
Listening to this story, nothing about it seems to strike Luu as a strange occurrence; a unique one, sure, but not something that is outside her understanding. If anything, it has the ring of the familiar. A glance is given to the piano, even though she has no expectations of seeing golden triangles, at least not at that moment. There's a long awkward silence, before Luu takes in a slow measured breath.
"We take years of our lives to train, study, prepare for that moment," Luu begins to respond in a gentle way, "and yet there's no preparing, not studying, no training that allows for that moment to be anything other than overwhelming; the preparations having their own purpose, but a purpose useless to that moment."
"There's always that raw shock when truly confronted with the ineffable," Luu continues to explain, almost console, "no matter what words we try to give to it. Transition like that are -- " pausing momentarily, Luu continues on, knowing her words only scrape at the experience, and yet knowing it's a shared experience no matter how individualized it might be. " -- jarring, to say the least. So much attention is paid to liminal spaces, but it's not just for what they offer on their own. It's because the liminal is also a threshold, and the light that hits as we step through to new vistas can be genuinely blinding, shocking, unnerving. It will take time to orient yourself to the new perspectives you have achieved. What you experienced, though? It's not gone, that I can promise you. It has simply been unveiled to you, it's existence proven; experientially, mathematically, musically. It's an initiation into the mysteries, of reality and of self. It's the reason that we do what we do, why we assemble, why we fight. Your potential, your future, your truth, it is now the present you live, every day, every moment, every note."
"Your eyes have opened, now comes the hard part, but it's also the part that's truly worthwhile."
Individualized yet shared - yes, that is precisely why Norea dialed Luu's number. She may belong to a different House, but she's an Awakened Hermetic all the same; she knew that she would understand. The newly-Awakened Fortunae sniffles and wipes a tear from the corner of her eye before reaching wordlessly for the nearest pint of frozen custard and beginning to eat it directly from the carton with a spoon. Food speaks to the soul. "How do you get used to it?" she pauses to ask after several spoonfuls. "Once you experience that transcendence, and then it's taken away from you, and you know you face possibly a lifetime of work to achieve it as a permanent state.../Do/ you get used to it? How do you avoid winding up like an opiod addict wasting her life away chasing the dragon, if you see what I mean?"
Needing no invitation to join in, Luu bends forward to reach for the other container of frozen custard and a spoon. Taking the top off the container and placing it on the table, Luu begins to dig into the treat. Shaking her head lightly, Luu responds, "No, it's not like that. It's not been taken away from you, nor has it been given to you. It is simply a part of you, unveiled. You're never without and you never were apart. It's a moment of anamnesis, remembering what you always truly knew. There's nothing to chase, nor would there be anything to run from. What you experienced is embedded within you, and if there's anything that lacks, it's the gap between the internal and the external, but again, this is our battle to fight."
"Sometimes I'll be out at night just aimlessly wandering," Luu begins to explain, "or so I think. I'll look up to the skies and realize my meanderings through Los Angeles are tracking celestial movements. I'll blink and realize that there was too much light pollution in this city for me to ever have been seeing as many stars as I thought I saw -- " Looking pointedly to Norea, Luu continues, " -- and their positions in the heavens were not where they would have been tonight, but where they were far too many millennia ago. I'll watch words on the page drop their pretenses and masks, revealing alphabets far older than our histories would have us understand. It's not a matter of having caught a fleeting glimpse, to have experienced the transcendent slip through your fingers like sand." Shaking her head slightly, she explains, "It's a matter of what you do once your eyes are opened to these truths, and you can't help but see them everywhere. It's beautiful and wounderous, but there are nights when it terrifies me. It's not a matter of what you saw, no it's that you have new eyes with which to see."
"Truly?" the young mathematician and pianist perks up. "I suppose, that in so many words, that's what I've what I've always heard since I was invited to join the Order. It's just that..." Norea frowns as she tries to figure out how to say what she means, using the brief pause to scoop out another heaping spoonful of frozen custard. "...It was so far beyond what anyone had ever tried to explain to me in words...It boggles my mind to think it's a part of me. I feel so...so humbled and so awed..." She smiles a bit sheepishly as she looks over at Luu and asks, "So, the battle is closing the gap between internal and external?"
"The ineffable is hard to put into words," Luu lightly jokes as she spoons some of the custard. "It's a shared experience, and yet it is also a personal one," Luu continues to explain, "what others found before you is not what you found, there's no way it could be. This Apprenticeship we go through, it's simply the best path that's been figured to lead you through a personal journey, a personal discovery. A way to ready you for something you can never be ready for, and that you were always ready for. If I tried to explain it to you, the best I could give you is a pale imitation of what I experienced. Yet as we come together collectively, and share our experiences, stories, knowledge, we provide glimpses at different angles. It can still never represent the whole to another, but it's the best way we've found of offering -- "
Luu thinks about this for a moment, her spoon hovering just above the carton, before she continues, " -- offering something, even if it's only a way to pass the time while you make your journey. I'm not sure I'd say that's exactly what the battle is, but it's the way towards understanding it. I mean -- " A little sigh is given, before Luu continues, " -- the intensity, the beauty, the frightening truth? Think about what people sometimes do when confronted with such things. This is our birthright, but it's our birthright as humans, and we're all too human. Think about all the things done in the name of religions, which for the vast majority are only words on the page. Now imagine how some might react to truly experience those things. It can bring out the best in us, but it also can bring out the worst in us."
How long ago did this mystical and transcendental vision take place for Norea? Hours ago? Minutes? Days, weeks, years? Such experiences have a way of rendering time meaningless. The young Fortunae magus considers this while she eats her frozen treat, along with the fact that some apprentices spend their entire lives in pursuit of this milestone without reaching it.
The sobriety that dawns in her eyes when Luu touches upon the capacity of enlightenment to bring out the worst in humanity. As a fraud investigator she sees it firsthand every day. She lowers the custard carton and spoon and says, "I think that now more than ever I am grateful for the Order. Up until now that gratitude focused mainly on the training I received and 'gains yet to come.' But I realize that structure and organization is also important to keep me grounded and support me on this journey, for my development yes but also to help keep honest and accountable."
"I agree," Luu responds with a small nod as she spoons up some more frozen custard. "My House, House Xaos," she begins to say after a bite, "we have a reputation as a more -- " Luu pauses a moment here as she chooses her words, " -- eccentric? liberal? rebellious maybe? And I'm not sure that such a reputation is completely unfounded, but in looking at our difference, sometimes others forget that we still choose to be a part of the Order. There is great benefit in the structure it provides. It's like some might see us to push at the walls of the Order, and see it as just that. Yet that's also a way of mutual support, we hold each other up."
Luu takes a small sigh as she thinks about this noting, "I'm not sure I would be successful in the same way without the Order. I mean, I look at others on the more mundane side of what I do, artists, designers, and true there's some that thrive like that, but they're the exception that proves the rule. As I say all that, it's true, but it's also a connection to people who've shared in an experience that others don't even consider as possible." After another bite of custard, Luu let's ot a small laugh, and notes, "I mean think about how many people you now know that you could call up late at night to discuss an existential crisis involving metaphysical triangles." Tilting her head slightly to the side, Luu looks with a kind smile towards Norea, slightly pointing her spoon as she notes, "though I can't guarantee all of them would bring you frozen custard, I can guarantee that they would all understand."
"Johan has never spoken negatively to me about House Xaos, or any of the Houses, or other Traditions for that matter," Norea comments, nodding as Luu voices personal thoughts about her own Hermetic house. "I think he wants me to form my own opinions through my own direct experience." She shares the humor related to the late night phone call she made, smiling as she says, "It's true. It didn't feel necessary for you to share any interest or knowledge of mathematics or numerology or music, to know that you'd understand. And if you hadn't been able to come over, I knew you'd help me find someone who could, and that referred by you, I could trust them enough to welcome them inside my home." A beat. "The frozen custard is a bonus. And I feel much better. But..." She tilts her head and regards the other woman with only a slight hint of hesitation before continuing, "do you feel better? Only...well, tell me if I'm wrong, or if it's none of my business...but I have the impression that I caught you at a bad time when I called, and that you came over in spite of it."
"Johan's doing a good job, then," Luu assures Norea with a small smile, adding, "and so are you. I think that kind of open-mindedness is really key towards building a future, to even have that vision of a future to build." Spooning some more custard she notes, "I might not have interest in those things to the same level that you do, or perhaps maybe I do, but just lack the ability you have." With a grin, Luu notes, "I'm a sucker for triangles, though. I had to hold myself in check a bit when you started talking about them, which is fine, I also wanted to hear about the triangles you experienced." With a small laugh, Luu notes, "makes me feel a little less nuts for being so obsessed." Looking around, Luu notes very sincerely, "and it is a lovely home."
Lowering her spoon into the carton, Luu half-closes her eyes in a meditative fashion, as she takes in a breath. "There's some tough realizations these new eyes will bring you too, hard choices that you'd never want to have to make," Luu begins to slowly explain, "sacrifices, to put it plainly. I can't tell you what they might end up being for you, but -- " Taking in another breath, as she works to keep her compose, Luu notes, " -- but the things you've seen now? What you've come to understand? There will be many things put into conflict with them over time, and it will test you, it really will test you. They've tested me, I'm not too proud to admit that." Looking to Norea, Luu gives her a small smile, though with sadness in her eyes as she notes, "so yeah, some hard choices recently, and ones I get reminded of most days, and it hurts." Glancing down Luu gives a small laugh admitting, "I bought two cartons of frozen custard, just thinking it would be me tonight." A beat before she adds, "but I'm glad I got to share them with you."
"Yeah, I left out a lot of detail because I wasn't sure you'd be interested, or whether it'd mean anything to you, so I did my best to focus on the big picture," Norea admits with regards the triangles and related specifics from her Awakening. "But I'd be happy to share more." A slight frown. "I'm glad though, in a way, that Johan is busy and you're here instead, because although we have a really fantastic and close mentor-protege relationship -- I feel so lucky in fact -- well, he /is/ my mentor, or has been, and the hierarchical difference between us as members of the Order is more...formal, I guess? than it is between myself and you. I'd rather he not see me when I've been crying. I can be honest and admit to him that I found the immediate period afterwards difficult, that I struggled emotionally and all that, yes. We're close enough for that, I can tell him that without any shame or fear of reproach. But that's different, you know?"
She listens closely while Luu speaks about sacrifices and hard choices. "I don't think I can say I've been challenged or tested that way yet...at least not on a deep level. I do sometimes reflect upon the fact that it seems I created a totally new life when I joined the Order, that I'm not as close to my mom as I used to be since now there's so much I can't share with her...But there's no going back, is there? For me there's not, anyway. Though I suppose sometimes there are people who attempt it?"
"Triangles are near and dear to my heart," Luu lets Norea know, while she spoons some more custard. "And yet that's beside the point," she clarifies, "I'm not here because of triangles, I'm here because of you, the triangles are just a nice bonus." A small nod is given as Luu notes, "I think from what I know of Johan, and the way you speak of him, that he would understand the situation. If he has any issue with it, then that's on me, so don't worry about anything like that. There are some sorts of things that the Order is great for, as we were just discussing, but a certain level of emotional support? It's not something that's necessarily baked into the system. And honestly, there are just certain things where it makes more sense to have another woman to discuss with; and there are certain times when the point of all that formality is for the little moments where you can dispense with it."
Taking a moment to enjoy a bite of custard, Luu then continues, "I don't really know that there's any going back. It's like everything's the same, but everything's also different. I'm really uncertain how that would work. Could you just pretend not to have experienced what you experienced? I think that's an impossibility. So what you're talking about there is taking that new perspective and trying to integrate it into your old way of doing things, and yet those are exactly the things that lead you to that new perspective. If one was to go back, it would be in an aesthetic sense, not an actual sense. It'd be like trying to blind yourself, but even that wouldn't remove the knowledge."
Shaking her head slightly, Luu notes, "To me that seems like an even tougher journey. One that would be maddening in how unfamiliar the familiar now is." Pausing to think about this, Luu assures Norea, "but don't let me speaking of sacrifices and a tough journey dissuade you, because it's a worthwhile journey. Those sacrifices get made, are even possible to consider, because of the new understanding you come to." A little shrug as she notes, "the occasional night spent crying over frozen custard, is a small price to pay." Going for another spoonful of custard, it's clear Luu truly believes all of this, and yet still hurts greatly from it; a present example of what is meant by The Bitter Road.
"No, I don't see how I could possible pretend to not have experienced what I did here, in this room, tonight," Norea answers. "And it seems it'd be a huge mistake to even try; but I bet there are people who do, the old ostrich-head-in-the-sand analogy. People without any support network, people who resent the changes that enlightenment brings."
"Speaking of changes and emotional support...Yeah." Norea glances at Luu with mildly guilty look as if she almost feels she's been read by someone with strong and perceptive empathy. "I don't like change; I like the order and consistency of pattern and numbers. For years Johan's been my mentor and I always knew what to expect and where I stood; now that will change, and it makes me nervous." She falls silent a moment before mentioning, "Thank you for the compliment about the house; it substitutes for having a child, in a way. I love it and care for it as a member of my family rather than the place where a family dwells. And it will always be open to you; in fact, you're the first person other than Johan, from the Awakened community that is, I've ever invited over."
"I don't think it's something that works out well," Luu says softly, and it seems like perhaps she has something specific in mind here, something unsaid so as not to burden Norea with the thought of it. "A lot of what I do relates to change, fashion," Luu begin to explain, "but there's more than just the ephemeral elements. It's a deeper structure, one of cycles. It's the movements of the moon and the ways our bodies intuit them. Tides washing dreams ashore for a moment, before swallowing them back again. Hem lines rising and falling like empires. It's this season's fashions, but it's also the seasons themselves. It goes back so far and so deep, burrowing way past what we would call history, and it's as light as a sun-dress and as heavy as the weight of the sea. For me counting on those changes are the stability, the pattern, those moments where I catch my breath and realize it's not time to drown. Not yet, anyway."
Meeting Norea's eyes, there's a tender smile on Luu's lips as she continues, "I think we mean things differently, but there are also similarities in those differences. I can understand a certain nervousness around change, but numbers move all around us in the mathematics of angels, so only be as afraid as you need to be." Looking around the room, Luu once more repeats, "It really is beautiful, and I do appreciate that you've invited me in. The communities we belong to, the families we make for ourselves, and -- " Luu pauses here, realizing her own words as she speaks, and stopping herself before their weight on her chest becomes too much to bare. " -- it's a nice home." Luu gives a few small nods, ostensibly looking to some detail, but really staring off deeply, being still so the cycles move past instead of swallowing her up. Realizing something, she forces her smile up a tiny bit more, before looking back to the comfort of her frozen custard.
"Like periodic functions and harmonic motion!" Norea exclaims in a sudden burst of enthusiasm which stands in for actually physically bouncing up and down on the sofa. "Sine, cosine, tangent...they can take different forms but they always repeat, they return to where they started--" She breaks off with a soft ahem. "Sorry!" she blushes. "Hard-core math geek. Anything I can relate to mathematics in any possible way, I usually will." As if to unconsciously illustrate her own point, she launches right into a speculation about the cycles of fashion and how to graph them, the amplitudes and periods they might have and so forth, concluding, "It would be so fascinating to work all that out! Not only that, but the relationship between the seasons and the cycles of fashion, and how you could use that to predict the fashions of upcoming seasons..." Whooops, there she goes again! "I think," she confesses after a moment, "I think until, in part, I've not been actively making friends in our community because I'm worried I don't know how to talk about anything other than math. With Johan, or other members of House Fortunae, I can ramble at will and know it's unlikely I'll bore anyone, and quite often someone who knows more than I do about a subtopic will step in to kindly correct an error in my understanding."
" -- returns to where they started -- " Luu repeats back quietly, giving real consideration to the enormity of this grand cycle. With a little shiver, she moves back to spooning up some custard. "That relates to what I do and how I see it," Luu notes of the mathematics of fashion, "probably not to the same extent that you could, but it's something I keep in my head. Fashion, as an industry, is a bit of a magpie. It draws influence from all sorts of things in this world, including it's own past. It could be looked at as just the new look of the season, but to get there and truly speak, it must take into account everything else. In there are colors and numbers, ratios and angles, and influences both sacred and profane. Hermeticism has many places in those cycles, and with the right attention, things both great and subtle can be accomplished. It intersects with the music of the spheres, with sidereal motions. There's reason and advantage to being a Cancer in a sea of Geminis."
"You seem quite capable of talking of more than math," Luu notes to Norea, "we've been speaking of our hearts for some time now. But that aside, is there harm in talking of mathematics? It's something we all experience, the question is finding out how a particular person connects to mathematics." Looking to the carton of frozen custard, Luu decides to plunge her spoon in, and then put the carton off to the side. "I should probably take a break from that," Luu says with a small laugh, "or I'm sure to make myself sick in new and regrettable ways."
"It's a pretty wonderful thing, though, isn't it?" Luu concurs with Norea, "to find others to connect with in such easy ways?" Luu chuckles lightly, casting her head slightly downward, he eyes once more half-closing as she repeats softly, "a pretty wonderful thing."
"I love the way you dress," Norea notes with open admiration and even a touch of envy. "Me, I'm stuck in the past!" she jokes. "I should buy stock in Unique-Vintage.com and Pin Up Girl Clothing, I spend so much money there." She has somehow managed to nearly finish her own carton of frozen custard, licking a trickle on the edge of her spoon trying to catch it before it drips onto the sofa...Whoopsie! Missed one. She glances down, shrugs and laugh. "Good thing there's dry cleaning!"
"I have a love-hate affair when it comes to talking about mathematics," she confesses. "When I was a grad student I was the only girl, and more than a few of the guys, the other grad students, would drop by my office to chat. And I always wanted to discuss math, or research interests or whatever. And often I was disappointed when I realized they hadn't come for reasons related to math. So I sort of...dried up socially, if that makes sense? I resented it, I was angry and pissed off. Plus, you have to consider that I grew so obsessed with sacred mathematics and geometry, and the theology of arithmetic, and those are niche topics that 'serious' mathematicians don't waste their time on." She rolls her eyes. "In fact that was the bridge to making an initial connection with Johan. He was sitting in at a presentation I gave and approached me afterwards and I could tell he sincerely respected me as a mathematician, as well as my topic. Otherwise, I'll admit, I wasn't ready to give him the time of day." She looks somewhat guilty about this closed-mindedness she had developed at that time in her life."
Her eyes widen as a new thought strikes home. "Say, Luu -- how do I know which realms of magick I have grounding in now, after my eyes were opened? I'd like to...to come up with something simple to do, that I couldn't do before practicing linear magick, as a surprise for Johan. As a neat way to share the news, you know?"
"Thanks," Luu replies with a small smile, "I admire your style as well. The right clothes, and they become something more, like an armor we wear into our daily battles with the world. The great thing about clothes, though, is that you can always change them. Just be careful not to get stuck in a world of constant costume changes. I try to have my clothes act as the bridge betwen the internal and external, a small part of manifesting of my Will. It's sometimes just a small consolation, but a new dress can often provide the head change that you need, a way to shift modes." Luu takes a glance down at her legs, as if to remind herself of not what she's wearing, but where she's going with herself.
A small nod is given as Luu notes, "I never made it to grad school, myself. Never even finished my bachelors, to be honest. But I have fairly deep interests in languages, something of a prodigy when it comes to them, and a lot of what lead me to this particular path. My problem with communication was never so much avoiding those with ulterior motives, although there are plenty of those just in general." Luu gives a small sigh as she shakes her head and notes, "but you've never seen eyes glaze over like when you find yourself discussing an obscure point of an even more obscure Sumerian dialect to a model who's idea of a balance breakfast is a toot of cocaine up each nostril." Luu gives a small laugh to this, but it's clear that she often finds herself in situations both disconnected and lonely.
Thinking about this, Luu notes, "Ars Essentiae is the foundation of our Tradition, and we find applications for it all around us. Mathematics and formulae are also key to your particular House and the relationship you have with Johan. I might think to focus on this, and calculate it on the fly. Hand it as a note towards Johan, without explanation, and wait for him to ask for one, and when he does maybe you say something like, 'that is the way the sun feels upon my skin, and the wind through my hair, today and forevermore.'" Pausing to consider this, Luu wrinkles her nose as she doubts herself noting, "I dunno, maybe that almost sounds romantic." A little retreating shrug is given to this as she notes, "I'll try to think up something better."
There is, indeed, shared understanding between the two young women, on multiple levels; Norea listens and nods knowingly, as she can easily imagine the situation Luu sketches out to illustrate her own interests, knowledge, and people who surround her on a regular basis. Her expression grows thoughtful as well, since she has never considered ways that her clothes and personal style could serve as a manifestation of her Will. The initially proposed wording about sun, skin, wind and hair elicits outright laughter from the Fortunae. "It does sound romantic, yeah. And we've never crossed that line; it would have been inappropriate between a mentor and pupil, in my mind at least, no matter how the Order would have viewed it. So could be more than a little confusing to put things that way." A soft ahem. "Ars Essentiae...I'll think on that, it's an excellent idea since my linear practices were limited to divination and psychometry."
Luu laughs at this and notes, "Yeah, sorry, wasn't trying to imply that you had or that you should. Those sorts of thing -- " Luu pauses to look down, or more to look away, trying to hide some of the sadness this brings up for her. " -- romantic entanglements can be a distraction on the road to Ascension," she says softly, in a way that seems almost like a mantra she repeats to herself. There's a bit of an awkward pause here, before Luu gives a shrug. "Ok, no accidentally romantic notes," she clarifies, as she begins to tilt her head from side-to-side considering the options. "I mean House Fortunae, right?" she finally settles on, "I don't know for sure, but it almost seems like it should be a right of passage to hustle your Mentor in cards or pool or something like that. I think that could easily apply, just depends on how good an actor you are. Like whether or not your can hide what you're working to spring on him, but even if not, he might have fun playing along in the game."
Norea notices the side glances and awkward moments, and honors them through respectful, quiet attention; she hates to pry, and assumes that at this point, given how open they've been with one another thus far, that if Luu wanted to discuss something personal of that nature in her life in greater detail, she would lead the conversation that way.
...
After considering a moment, Norea ventures, "You know...I'd like to celebrate somehow - this important transition in my life. Take a short road trip, go on a little excursion. Do you think you and, ah...Jinny, that's her name? Johan said she was your partner...I'd love to meet her...Maybe the two of you could join us?"
...
Luu smiles as she carefully listens to Norea's plans for marking this milestone in her life. The mention of Jinny, though, clearly hits her hard right in the heart, her eyes momentarily closing as she slowly exhales, just managing to hang on. "No," she starts to say, the words coming out hoarse and too quiet, "Jinny." Pausing to compose herself, Luu wipes at her eye, and manages to get out a soft, "sorry." Looking up to Norea, a sad smile on her face, Luu notes, "What I mean is Jinny -- " Luu stumbles briefly on this name, but recovers to explain, " -- it's not like that, not anymore. Like I said, there will be sacrifices to be made along the way." Casting her eyes downward, Luu adds, "but it sounds nice, and I think she'd -- I think she'd probably enjoy coming along if she can." There's a momentary pause before Luu notes, "I've got a birthday coming up soon as well, just after the solstice. Like I said, I'm a Cancer."
...
Norea blanches when she realizes she sort of put her foot in it with regards to Jinny. She did wonder, since she noticed the awkwardness in connection to discussion of relationships, romance, sacrifices, etc, whether it was possible something had changed there. But, perhaps to her lack of experience in romantic relationships, she decided surely it had to be related to some old flame, given that it was so recent that Johan described Jinny as Luu's partner. "I'm...Wow. I'm the one to apologize." A long pause. "The primary invitation is to you, since I've never met Jinny. Of course, if you would /like/ to invite Jinny, then you are welcome to. I'll let you make that call though." She pauses again, to give space for some of the awkwardness to pass. "Do you like astronomy? Star-gazing in dark sky zones? Well sure you do, you just mentioned it a little while ago! I thought perhaps a trip to Joshua Tree National Park would be fun. It is the summer solstice soon, yeah. And a new moon is on the way. Would be perfect for viewing galaxy clusters through a telescope. We could celebrate your birthday as well, if you like."
"I wouldn't mind having Jinny along with us," Luu responds, her words sincere, though tinged with sadness. "We just -- " Luu begins to search for the word, as her slightly watery eyes search the ceiling. " -- we've just connected in a way, a shared vision," she begins to explain, "and we realized the work we have to do together is more important then -- " Blinking her eyes closed, a tear rolls down Luu's cheek. " -- more important than whatever it is we had," she continues to explain, "and so we're still in each other's lives, probably more so than before. It's just something we're still navigating -- " Glancing at the carton of frozen custard, she notes, " -- and sometimes plans need to be changed when they seem too much like something they shouldn't be. Something they can't be. Or maybe she didn't see it that way, but I did, so -- " Luu gives a big shrug partnered with a sigh, explaining, " -- so I figured it would be better to just take some custard home, instead of going to get some, but I guess it came in handy."
Luu tries for a small smile, and notes, "See? No coincidences out there, things happen for a reason." Looking away from the custard, Luu lightly slaps her thighs, as if that's all she needs to move on through that and get to a happier place, and of course it's not, but it's still something she tries. "I like astronomy," Luu assures Norea, "and astrology. Some of the most interesting cuneiform is on those topics, and it's hard to feel the moon's pull on one's body and not think the stars have meaning too." A nod is given as she softly confirms, "Yeah, sounds like it would be fun."
It sounds complicated, though not in a trivial way by any means. ... Norea reaches over to take Luu's hand, if allowed, for a hold of gentle reassurance. The resonance that instantly surges in the direction of the Xaos mage is one of extreme depth, first and foremost: Norea is a person whose feelings, whatever they may be, positive or negative, light or dark, always loom large. Second to that is deep caring about others, the sort of caring that motivates volunteer work or philanthropy, for instance. Then swirling round in the mix is personal caring toward Luu, as well as gratitude. On the periphery lurk signs of perfectionism, of a strong desire to please which translates into anxieties about failure. There are strong currents of this connected to Johan, naturally, but even Norea's interactions with Luu are impacted since the latter is more highly ranked within the Order. "Sounds like we both have some tricky navigating to do in the near future," she says with a faint smile. "Thanks to fate -- and frozen custard -- I have a feeling we're both gonna do a pretty good job of it, yeah?"
Not even thinking about what sometimes happens in these situations, Luu accepts Norea's hand, giving it a littl squeeze. As the sensations roll over her, Luu seems momentarily jolted, but quickly sinks into whatever it she is experiencing, her eyes closing and her body seeming to deflate. A few moments later, Luu opens her eyes and realizes she's gripping Norea's hand quite tightly. "Sorry," she says, her voice quiet and slightly embarrassed, her grip on the other woman's hand loosening. "Happens sometimes," she says as an explanation, that really explains nothing, Norea having experienced nothing other than Luu's reaction.
"I hope so," Luu responds with a small nods, "I really hope so."
