March 13, 2022: APEs & BADs Gone Wild!
For those of you that like browsing the online edition of the Los Angeles Tribune.
In a jaw-dropping act of defiance, the notorious fraternity Alpha Phi Epsilon (APE) and the scandal-plagued sorority Beta Alpha Delta (BAD) have disaffiliated themselves from USC and UCLA, sending shockwaves through the Greek and student life of these hallowed institutions. The move comes in response to an unprecedented joint suspension issued by the two universities, aimed at cracking down on the out-of-control partying and reckless behavior that have become the hallmark of these Greek organizations.
The suspension was aimed at addressing the rampant partying, underage drinking, hazing, and sexual assault allegations that have hounded these organizations for years. It appears that the suspensions also have to do with the break down of negotiations between the universities and APE and BAD’s national administrative and leadership committees, which covered a range of disagreements from a particularly brutal hazing incident three years ago to several serious sexual assaults over Spring Break last year. However the most serious breach has to do with APE and BAD supposedly monetizing their affiliation with USC and UCLA while benefiting from high profile corporate sponsorships such as from King Breweries and TROJAM condoms. There was also the infamous ‘Baddie Edition’ of the ‘King’s Wenches’ calendar which some claim veered into the pornographic.
(Here you'll see an add for Blue Stripe beer. It's a deeply inspiring montage of getting wasted, with the words, "They say you've finally hit rock bottom. We think you've only just begun.')
This is on the heels of yet another incident, only two months ago, when what has been described as a disaffected, ‘failed pledge’ of Beta Alpha Delta, a self-proclaimed eco-warrior and budding influencer named Phoebe King (here you’ll find a link to Phoebe King’s social media page where she earnestly stresses she never tried to join BAD while being called many vicious names in the comments sections), blew the whistle on the UC Santa Barbara chapter of BAD’s sadistic hazing practices. In response to this, BAD’s Vice President, Tiffany Parker had this to say, “That little bitch? Yeah. I remember her. She poisoned the Trojam Stallion.” (Here you’ll find a link to Phoebe King’s social media page where she earnestly denies poisoning any animal mascots).
(Here you'll see an ad for TROJAM BRAND CONDOMS, which features an anthropomorphic stallion wearing a letterman jacket and jeans getting ready to bust down Helen of Troy's walls, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.)
But rather than comply with the demands of their alma maters, the APEs and BADs have taken the bold (and some might say, downright reckless) decision to go rogue. They have disaffiliated from USC and UCLA, shunning the very institutions that once embraced them. In a move that screams “you can’t fire us, we quit,” the two groups have effectively gone underground. Their rebellion has inspired half a dozen other fraternities and sororities to follow in their footsteps. In the process the APEs and BADs have become the figureheads of a larger movement, pushing back against university regulations and attempting to create a Greek life without boundaries.
Critics argue that this act of defiance only serves to prove the universities’ point about the organizations’ lack of responsibility and disregard for student safety. UCLA’s head of student affairs had this to say, “We are obviously deeply disappointed that Alpha Phi Epsilon and Beta Alpha Delta have chosen to follow an unfortunate national trend by disaffiliating from the university – against our strongest recommendations. It has been driven by nothing more than an unfathomable obsession with eliminating all common sense oversight from the university, going against 130 years of tradition.”
Meanwhile, the universities are scrambling to address the situation, as they attempt to regain control over their defiant Greek life renegades. New rules are being drafted, and administrators are vowing to crack down harder than ever before on fraternities and sororities that refuse to play by the rules. Other notorious strongholds of APE and BAD chapters, such as UC Santa Barbara, CSU Los Angeles, CSU Long Beach, and San Diego State University, are watching closely but have yet to announce any similar plans. When reached by phone, the Chief Information Officer of CSU LA had this to say, “Oh Christ…Ahahahahahahaha…wheeze…Hahahahahah….No, but seriously…Oh, what? Ah, yes. No, CSU LA does exist, and it is a real university separate from UCLA and USC. It’s a real place. Honest. We have 22,000 students enrolled. Yeah, that’s it…Yes…I know our campus is basically a freeway interchange…”
There are rumors that officials at both universities have been shocked by the scale of the backlash to the suspensions. Both APE and BAD are known for churning out a disproportionate number of pro athletes, CEOs, celebrity influencers and real housewives…and they have been united in condemning the UCLA and USC’s joint suspension. Already, officials are whispering that it is the Los Angeles Mayor’s office which is truly to blame, after having pressured both universities behind the scenes to act. This is allegedly owing to a vague campaign promise to crack down on drunk driving in the face of what is shaping up to be a hotly contested mayoral election.
(At the bottom of the article you'll find an ad for the new downloadable app called 'Mandy Smash Legacy' by NikNak. It has an extremely attractive blonde and blue eyed cartoon avatar, and a huge amount of microtransactions.)