Los Angeles Tribune Archives

This is where you’ll find articles from past editions of the Los Angeles Tribune.

October 13, 2022: Tragedy Strikes UCLA

Other Media:

A regular, evening news broadcast will be suddenly and somberly interrupted when the news will break about the sudden, unexpected passing of Anthony "Tony" Aguilar. Aguilar, a recent transfer from Ohio State University, was found dead in his apartment from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound early this evening. The anchors will launch into a seemingly impromptu memorial, recounting Tony Aguilar's brief time as quarterback for UCLA, as well as his first two seasons at Ohio State.

They will also recount Anthony's philanthropic efforts, showing a picture of him and his (now ex… :/) girlfriend volunteering at a soup kitchen near Skid Row, as well as a few photos of him posing with seemingly random elderly people and young children.

During one of the transitions, a photo will fade into view showing Anthony's body, embedded inside of a post on social media. Tony's body is doubled over in a heap, with charred burns around his lips and mouth, and the back of his skull caved-out with an exit wound the size of a grapefruit. Bits of bone and grey matter scatter the back of the white wall behind him, on which is painted the words:

'MY BODY
MY DIGNI--'

…but the rest is obscured by blood and gore. The violence of the wound has caused one of his eyes to half bulge out, and blood looks as if it poured from both his ears, and nostrils, in the immediate aftermath.

The Tweet reads: 'wellp there goes the season' followed by the shrug emoji.

It's clear that the image was never meant to be displayed, and the news anchors don't even acknowledge it, save for the brief way that they hitch when it appears on screen, and the way that they settle back into their rhythm after it disappears.

The rest of the impromptu memorial will go on to discuss the UCLA's backup quarterback, Colin Fletcher, and what it means for the rest of the Bruin's season. The anchors will indicate that this story is still developing, and remind all of you that if you, or a loved one, is suffering from suicidal thoughts and depression… that the California Suicide Prevention Hotline is a 24/7, and to call 988.

HELP IS AVAILABLE
Speak to someone today.

June 7, 2022: Grand Park Protests Turns Deadly

This article would have appeared in the Los Angeles Tribune, just a couple IC days after the events of last weekend.Here's the log of the day's events: https://liberationmush.site/paste/2356

Grand Park Protests: A Microcosm of Larger Tensions in Los Angeles

Los Angeles, CA – This weekend, Grand Park, the iconic space nestled between Los Angeles City Hall and the Music Center on Grand Avenue, became the epicenter of intense protests. Initially conceived as a peaceful demonstration, the gathering the gathering took a dark turn, culminating in gunfire and panic.

The majority of attendees were there to voice concerns over Endron’s latest initiatives. These individuals, backe+bd by various environmental and community groups, were united in their skepticism of Endron’s plans for the Greater Los Angeles area. Although some would find their fixation on Bristow Park in nearby City of Commerce somewhat eccentric, it is more understandable in light of last year’s tribulations surrounding the Skid Row chemical fire. They cited other worries over potential environmental degradation, socio-economic impacts, and a perceived lack of transparency on the part of the corporation.

Derrick Carlyle, known to many as the author of the blog ‘EndronNation.com’ and recognized as the leader of the Endron counter-protesters, was at the forefront of the day’s events. While the majority of the attendees were skeptical of Endron’s plans for Los Angeles, Carlyle and a small group of Endron supporters were unwavering in their defense of the corporation. Despite being significantly outnumbered, Carlyle’s group made their presence known, with Carlyle himself passionately addressing the crowd using a megaphone.

However, as the day progressed, confrontations between the larger group of protesters and Carlyle’s contingent became more frequent and heated with several water bottles thrown. Then, in an alarming escalation, a rock hurled at Carlyle, striking a teenage follower – whereupon a knot of particularly aggressive anti-Endron protesters suddenly advanced on Carlyle. While it’s unclear whether this act was the sole trigger, moments later, gunshots rang out, sending the crowd into a frenzy. Witnesses reported that Carlyle, seemingly reacting to the perceived threat, discharged his handgun. The ensuing gunfire resulted in the tragic death of marine veteran and paramedic Hugo Beccerra and left two others seriously injured.

In the immediate aftermath, a full-scale melee broke out, where a more extreme contingent of black-clothed ‘anti-fascists’ swarmed over the Endron counter-protesters. In the event, they might have killed Mr. Carlyle, except for the supposed intervention of what has been described as two undercover police officers – a man and a woman. Although, some dispute as to whether one was simply a good Samaritan. It was at this time that a young man named Kevin Chapman, who onlookers describe as adhering to a more radical ‘ACAB’ philosophy, charged one of the police officers trying to extract Mr. Carlyle. He was shot, and although the bullet severed his spine, he was pronounced in stable – if serious – condition.

That’s when the LAPD finally had enough and orders were given to clear out the park – which fortunately happened without any further casualties, although there were a half dozen arrests made. Among whom was the notorious activist Mizhakwan Peltier, a recent recipient of the ‘Endron Endurance Award’ (See 6/23). It’s unknown at this time if she was there in a pro or anti-Endron capacity. All this reporter can attest is that she has since been released on bail.

Derrick Carlyle remains in police custody, although in a statement released to the press by his lawyer, it is claimed to be voluntarily so for his own safety, owing to the extraordinary number of threats made against his life. In his statement, he regrets the death of Hugo Beccerra, although ultimate blame is placed on the protesters who violently attacked him. An open question at the moment is whether or not Mr. Carlyle was licensed to carry a concealed firearm – a permit which is considered difficult to obtain in Los Angeles City outside of certain private security capacities.

In the aftermath of this weekend’s events, many Angelenos remain stunned by the violence. Although, a much smaller gathering came together the day after to help clean up the park. They couldn’t help but notice the taped off areas where idealism and hope for change had given way to bloodlust and hate.

However, online, the response has been anything but muted. To those who dare wade into the debate, they’ll find that Derrick Carlyle has been cast as either a cold-blooded murderer with justice demanded for Hugo Beccerra and even calls for his family to sue Endron itself owing to Mr. Carlyle’s supposed affiliation with the energy giant, to others praising him as something like a hero.

Indeed, there has even been a popular song making the sounds, known as the ‘Ballad of Derrick Carlyle’, where the petrochemical blogger is described as bravely defending himself against the violent mob. This is only made somewhat awkward by the fact that one of the three people that he is known to have shot, was supposedly his own follower – although this is heatedly denied. Fingers point at Kevin Chapman, who supposedly had a firearm on his person as well.

The mayor of the City of Commerce, Rita Krodle, has released a statement expressing her horror at the death of Hugo Ibarra, and her regret that the controversy of Bristow Park should have lead to such violence. However, there are as yet no plans to withdraw permission for Endron’s proposed expansion.

Op Ed: Violent Radicals Don’t Scare Me

DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author. They do not purport to reflect the opinions or views any people, institutions or organizations associated with the Los Angeles Tribune. Any views or opinions are not intended to malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organization, company, or individual.

VIOLENT RADICALS DON’T SCARE ME
By Councilman Chaquille Jefferson-Price

Here we go again. This past weekend, the very soil of Grand Park was tarnished, not by any so-called corporation – but by the city’s very own residents. The events that transpired were nothing short of a disgrace. To think that our city’s proud legacy could be so callously thrown into the gutter by a mob masquerading as ‘protesters’ is infuriating. That’s what I call scumbags. Just rotten, good for nothing, sick-minded morons. And I mean that literally. I think you have to be mentally deficient to go along with their nonsense.

What I witnessed was not the exercise of a democratic right, but a perverse carnival of chaos. Of course, true, peaceful protest is an honored American tradition. What occurred at Grand Park, however, was a reckless display of lawlessness. How can any individual, with even a modicum of intellect, believe that throwing rocks, attacking the police and terrorizing honest businesses and the families they employ will bring forth any positive change?

If this weekend’s display of rage was meant to convey a message, it was lost in the mindless destruction and violence. The so-called activists, in their feeble attempt to draw attention to the fate of one lousy, little park in a different city, have only succeeded in drawing ire and disdain. In fact, I recently phoned the mayor of the City of Commerce, Rita Krodle, and I encouraged her to tear out all the parks she wanted if it lead to more good, high-paying City of Commerce jobs. Well. As it stands, they’ve got one other park besides Bristow, which they’re keeping, so I don’t see what the big deal is anyways. After all, it’s called the ‘City of Commerce’. What are parks good for, anyways? For kids playing soccer, sleeping bums and dope-slingers. None of whom I’ve ever seen spending any money at Commerce’s fine Citadel Outlets.

What I saw this last weekend disgusted me. I saw a howling mob of three hundred demagogues, so high on their own supply, that they couldn’t stomach even the mild disagreement represented by a dozen brave young men. Well you all know what happened next.

This is why I’m running for Mayor. Because the current administration has proven itself incapable of handling with decency the growing list of challenges that the city is struggling with.

For now, I call upon my fellow citizens to stand up against this form of mindless anarchy. Do not let a mob the narrative. Engage in constructive dialogue – not destructive behavior. To the rioters who tarnished Grand Park: Your actions will never be forgotten, and they certainly will not be forgiven. The silent majority of Los Angeles will rise, and the full weight of justice will come crashing down upon you. To those who tear us apart and lash out at some of our business community’s most reliable employers – you are on notice.

Chaquille Jefferson-Price is the Councilman for Los Angeles District 8.

May 1, 2022: Litigation Drama Between Endron and City of LA Drags On

Here is a recent article by the Los Angeles Tribune regarding the ongoing litigation drama between Endron and the City of Los Angeles, which has now dragged well into its second year.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A protracted legal battle continues between Los Angeles and oil titan Endron International has dragged on into its second year. The dispute started following the Skid Row warehouse explosion and the fallout from the failed clean-up efforts.

After stepping in to help control the disastrous chemical fire, Endron withdrew its assistance and launched a lawsuit against the city (+bbread 6/5, 6/6 and 6/7). The oil giant’s attorneys from the renowned Kilroy, Young & Lee law firm allege breach of contract and unfair competition, among other claims (see 10/2 and 10/2.1).

Over the past year, the proceedings have turned into a complex legal tug-of-war in the Los Angeles County Superior Court and the United States District Court for the Central District of California. The process, experts agree, is likely to drag on for at least another year or two.

“It’s a classic case of David versus Goliath,” says Harriet Kelson, a law professor at UCLA. “Except this time, Goliath is a cutthroat, multi-billion-dollar corporation with an army of top-tier lawyers. And David is the second largest city in America.”

Mayor Hiram Guardado of Los Angeles, once a beloved figure for his pragmatic leadership, faced an unceremonious downfall late last year when he was caught in a quid pro quo scandal involving land rights for public parks. The scandal was exposed after an anonymous leak of documents showing he had been quietly facilitating the acquisition of these lands by his son’s struggling real estate development firm, leading to accusations of political nepotism. Ironically, one of these parks was set to be named after his late wife, Michelle Darling, a passionate environmentalist and scion of one of Los Angeles’ wealthiest families. The bitter irony of this scandal has not only obliterated his chances of re-election in 2022 but has also muddled the city’s fight against Endron, with critics asserting that both parties have disregarded the public’s best interest for personal gain.

Initially, public sentiment seemed to be increasingly anti-Endron. Frequent protests and social media campaigns accused Endron of environmental negligence and corporate bullying. However, these voices struggled to cut through the noise of a tidal wave of dark money and favorably skewed local media coverage. A popular meme circulating social media early on encapsulated the public sentiment: It depicted a cartoon Endron oil rig wearing a superhero cape, attempting to mop up an oil spill with dollar bills, only to find that the bills are just spreading the mess further. The caption reads: “Endron’s idea of clean-up: First make a mess, then spread it around.”

Endron, for its part, maintained that it acted in good faith and accuses the city of LA of mishandling the situation. The corporation points to its successful intervention in a similar chemical fire incident in the Pacific Northwest as evidence of its commitment to the communities it operates within. Indeed, there is some evidence that Endron’s PR campaign has started to bear fruit, including a charm offensive aimed at some of its most ardent critics (+bbread 6/23).

It seems like more citizens than Mizhakwan Peltier (who could not be reached for comment) are willing to give Endron a second chance:

A private security officer who prefers to remain anonymous said: “In all honesty, trying to keep the peace in Skid Row was like trying to keep the peace in a pit of vipers. It’s no wonder Endron had to pull us out, I mean, uh, pull their guys out. They aren’t equipped to handle that level of hostility, they’re trained for passing out water bottles and oil spills not urban combat with deranged junkies.”
A viral video clip has been circulating on social media, featuring an impromptu stand-up comedy performance at a local club. The comedian (who has appeared in numerous mediocre streaming specials), jests: “So yeah, that’s all I got to say about Young Legend…or should I say, Young FUHRER. But where was I…oh yeah…they say Endron left Skid Row in the lurch, right? But have you seen Skid Row? I mean, if leaving that mess behind is a crime, then my ex-girlfriend should be serving a life sentence for leaving her wardrobe at my place! Am I right, fellas?”
A local small business owner whose store was looted during the Skid Row unrest said, “Endron didn’t start the fire. They tried to put it out. It’s not their fault the hose was stolen before they could use it.”
At a recent city council meeting, Council Member Chaquille Jefferson-Price gave a speech where he passionately argued that Skid Row’s woes were not due to systemic issues or industrial negligence, but rather a lack of “individual responsibility and work ethic.” He held up an Endron job application, proclaiming, “This here, this is the solution. Jobs. Not handouts.” There are many who believe that Jefferson-Price, who has since announced his candidacy for Mayor, is taking a hardline pro-Endron stance to help secure a mutually beneficial settlement post-election. He has been a vocal critic of Mayor Guardado’s legal fumblings from the very beginning.

The Councilmember might be onto something; the City of Los Angeles has found it challenging to fill the void left by Endron’s departure. No other company has taken up the mantle of cleaning up Skid Row, largely due to the fear of potential backlash and the looming shadow of Endron’s lawsuit. Meanwhile, the city has discouraged grassroots activists and locals from trying their own hand at cleanup, owing to the dangers and technical expertise required. So far, there is only one company that has tendered a serious bid for the contract (once litigation is resolved) – Wu Sun Pacific, and there are doubts that the Singapore-based venture tech company has anywhere near the resources or experience required for such an enormous operation.

What the future holds for this legal tug-of-war is uncertain. As the courtroom drama unfolds, the residents of Skid Row continue to bear the brunt of the tragic warehouse explosion, and the question of who will finally clean up their neighborhood remains unanswered.

April 26, 2022: Endron Bristow Project Continues After Setbacks

Commerce, CA – Endron International recently scored a decisive victory during a contract dispute with several sub-contractors when the court dismissed the case. Public records obtained by reporters highlight the ruling that the joint parties of Delta Wilson Industrial Services, Laverne Deconstruction, and the San Andreas Foundation Company were required to continue in their contractual obligations despite the stiff material and financial setbacks they suffered due to outside factors. Additionally, the court also ruled that the companies were responsible for compensating Endron’s legal fees in response to their “bad faith negotiations” during the process. Independent legal experts commenting under the condition of anonymity remark that this is “par for the course” when it comes to litigating the Oil Giant, and that the threat of bankruptcy protections from one of the companies is ultimately “toothless”, claiming that no matter what avenue these companies take that Endron would come out on top.

Jenna Garcia, Public Relations Officer for Los Angeles Operations, held a press conference outside the courthouse, stating that their timetable for the Bristow Park site is still on-schedule despite the arbitration process. She goes on to reassure the public that the construction of this site will be as unobtrusive to local residents as possible, citing similarities to several well-known public sites (see: https://www.lamag.com/citythinkblog/hidden-oil-wells/ ), while also providing them with the promise that locally-sourced energy will help alleviate the most in-need families with a financial break on their energy needs.

Ms. Garcia made a personal plea to the environmental activists who made the news recently, stating “…these violent acts only serve to harm the everyday workers and their efforts to make a respectable living for their families.”

Additionally, Ms. Garcia announced the launch of the ‘Dorothy Kirby Vocational Initiative’, a program providing an “alternative to college” that allows troubled youths to redirect their energies towards productive and rewarding career paths in the oil and construction industries. This comes in response to public backlash about the closure of the adjacent LAC Dorothy Kirby Center (a rehabilitation program for Delinquent Minors); the County recently suspended the closure following a sudden windfall of financial support from local celebrities and a sizable grant from Endron Oil itself in the wake of a trending social media campaign. Ms. Garcia goes on to reiterate that the closure of the park was never their intention, and was a decision born solely from budget cuts at the direction of County officials.

“We hope this Initiative puts to rest the community concerns over the project, and that they join us in supporting the rehabilitation of our at-risk youths, setting them on the path to success.”

When questioned about leaked documents regarding the potential negative environmental impact of the site, Ms. Garcia curtly cited several studies to the opposite, before ending the press conference.

RELATED LINK >>> Endron International draws fury from critics after record-setting 'profiteering bonanza', fueling calls for tougher windfall taxes on oil giants accused of cashing in on soaring energy prices.

March 28, 2022: Blue Crown’s Thirst For Profit

You'll find this article squirreled away in the print version of the Los Angeles Tribune only, which means that relatively few of you will stumble across it. When deciding whether to react to this article, have a good think about whether your character reads the print newspaper, or if they can even read.

Blue Crown's Thirst for Profit: The Environmental Impact of a Water Empire

Los Angeles, CA – In less than two decades, Blue Crown has transformed from a small water bottling company to a multinational behemoth with a dominant presence in the $500 billion bottled water industry. However, the company’s rapid rise has been marred by allegations of environmental exploitation and questionable business practices. Under the leadership of CEO Valerie Sinclair, a former Thaw Beverages executive, Blue Crown has been accused of prioritizing profit over the environment and the well-being of local communities.

In 2001, Blue Crown began extracting water from the San Bernardino National Forest, a practice that has continued despite California’s severe droughts in recent years. The company has allegedly relied on expired permits and legal loopholes to justify its water extraction activities, raising concerns among environmentalists and local residents alike.

The impact of Blue Crown’s water extraction on the San Bernardino National Forest has been significant. Local ecosystems have suffered as rivers and streams run dry, with wildlife populations declining due to the loss of essential habitats. Moreover, experts argue that the company’s actions may violate the public trust doctrine, which stipulates that certain natural resources, including water, are held in trust by the government for the benefit of the public.

In 2009, Blue Crown launched a new line of bottled water, advertised as being enhanced with vitamins and minerals for health benefits. Independent testing, however, has raised concerns about the purity of the water, with some samples found to contain trace amounts of unidentified substances. The presence of these substances in a product marketed for health-conscious consumers has cast doubt on Blue Crown’s commitment to transparency and consumer safety in the minds of some, whom the company dismisses as ‘cranks and activists’.

In 2013, amidst one of California’s most severe droughts, residents near the San Bernardino National Forest were shocked to discover that Blue Crown had continued to extract water from the already strained local sources. The company had relied on permits dating back to 1947, which had become a point of contention among local residents and environmentalists. Despite the growing concerns, Blue Crown managed to dodge any substantial repercussions by navigating the murky waters of legal loopholes and bureaucratic red tape.

One particular incident in 2017 highlights the devastating effects of Blue Crown’s water extraction on local ecosystems. A once-thriving fish population in a small stream running through the San Bernardino National Forest was nearly wiped out when the water levels dropped dramatically due to Blue Crown’s extraction activities. The stream, which had provided a critical habitat for several fish species, was reduced to a mere trickle, leaving many fish stranded in shallow pools and unable to survive.

In 2019, Robert Jeffries, a whistleblower within the ranks of the state’s regulatory agency came forward with allegations of bribery and corruption involving Blue Crown and several government officials. According to the whistleblower, certain individuals responsible for overseeing the company’s permits had accepted financial incentives in exchange for turning a blind eye to Blue Crown’s questionable extraction practices. The revelation only served to heighten public suspicion and distrust of both the company and the government officials meant to hold it accountable.

Among those implicated in the alleged bribery scandal was a high-ranking official in the state’s water resource management agency, who, according to the Mr. Jeffries, had received substantial sums of money from Blue Crown over the course of several years. “It was common knowledge within the agency that this official was on Blue Crown’s payroll,” the whistleblower claimed. “Everyone knew that as long as the money kept flowing, the company could get away with anything.” This official’s name has been omitted, since the journalist’s editorial supervisor has informed him that the Los Angeles Tribune’s liability insurance for libel has already reached its limit, this year.

In response to the allegations, a local environmental activist, Rachel Martinez, expressed her outrage: “This level of corruption is absolutely sickening. We’ve been fighting for years to hold Blue Crown accountable for the damage they’ve caused, and now we learn that the very people who are supposed to protect our environment are actually working against us.”

Despite the damning allegations, some have come to the defense of the accused officials, arguing that they have been unfairly targeted by opponents of Blue Crown. “These accusations are nothing more than a smear campaign against dedicated public servants,” said the District 8 Councilperson Chaquille Jefferson, a long-time friend of one of the implicated officials. “It’s easy to point fingers, but I know these people, and I don’t believe they would ever compromise their integrity for money.”

Blue Crown, for its part, has categorically denied any involvement in bribery or corruption. In a statement released by the company, Blue Crown spokesperson Tim Lawrence said, “These allegations are baseless and completely unfounded. Blue Crown has always adhered to the highest ethical standards, and we would never engage in any form of illegal activity.”

Sadly, Robert Jeffries died tragically last year when he was found in a flophouse in Downtown Hollywood, where he had apparently decided to take several different kinds of illegal barbiturates for the first time, injecting them one after the other into his arm, even with broken fingers on both his hands. His former colleagues were shocked and saddened by his untimely passing, yet at least for now the LAPD has ruled out the possibility of foul play. This journalist is not so sure.

Meanwhile, Blue Crown’s water extraction activities in the San Bernardino National Forest have raised questions about the company’s compliance with the public trust doctrine. A lawsuit filed in 2020 by a coalition of environmental groups and local residents accused the company of violating the doctrine by extracting water for private profit at the expense of public resources. While the case is still ongoing, it has brought the issue of corporate responsibility and the protection of natural resources to the forefront of public discourse.

Supporters of the lawsuit argue that Blue Crown’s practices undermine the public trust doctrine and set a dangerous precedent for the management of natural resources. “If Blue Crown is allowed to continue draining our public lands, what’s to stop other corporations from doing the same?” asks Grace Thompson, a local resident and plaintiff in the case. “It’s our duty as citizens to protect our natural resources, and this lawsuit is an important step in holding companies like Blue Crown accountable for their actions.”

However, not everyone shares the same sentiment. Some argue that the lawsuit is an overreaction, and that Blue Crown’s water extraction practices are necessary for meeting the water demands of the state. “We need to consider the bigger picture,” says Eugene Lowenstein, a water policy expert with the AquaClear Foundation, “While Blue Crown’s activities might be controversial, they also help ensure a reliable water supply for millions of Californians. We can’t simply shut down their operations without considering the potential consequences for our state’s water security.”

Blue Crown, for its part, maintains that its water extraction activities are both legal and environmentally responsible. In a statement released by the company, Blue Crown spokesweasel Tim Lawrence said, “We operate within the framework of the law and have always been committed to sustainable water management practices. This lawsuit is a misguided attempt to vilify our company, and we will vigorously defend our operations in the San Bernardino National Forest.”

In italics at the bottom of the article, there's a request from the author of this piece, (an extremely well known and liberal Los Angeles Tribune journalist by the name of Sandy Stachs) to call the listed number if you have any information about Blue Crown that you would like to share.

March 13, 2022: APEs & BADs Gone Wild!

For those of you that like browsing the online edition of the Los Angeles Tribune.

In a jaw-dropping act of defiance, the notorious fraternity Alpha Phi Epsilon (APE) and the scandal-plagued sorority Beta Alpha Delta (BAD) have disaffiliated themselves from USC and UCLA, sending shockwaves through the Greek and student life of these hallowed institutions. The move comes in response to an unprecedented joint suspension issued by the two universities, aimed at cracking down on the out-of-control partying and reckless behavior that have become the hallmark of these Greek organizations.

The suspension was aimed at addressing the rampant partying, underage drinking, hazing, and sexual assault allegations that have hounded these organizations for years. It appears that the suspensions also have to do with the break down of negotiations between the universities and APE and BAD’s national administrative and leadership committees, which covered a range of disagreements from a particularly brutal hazing incident three years ago to several serious sexual assaults over Spring Break last year. However the most serious breach has to do with APE and BAD supposedly monetizing their affiliation with USC and UCLA while benefiting from high profile corporate sponsorships such as from King Breweries and TROJAM condoms. There was also the infamous ‘Baddie Edition’ of the ‘King’s Wenches’ calendar which some claim veered into the pornographic.

(Here you'll see an add for Blue Stripe beer. It's a deeply inspiring montage of getting wasted, with the words, "They say you've finally hit rock bottom. We think you've only just begun.')

This is on the heels of yet another incident, only two months ago, when what has been described as a disaffected, ‘failed pledge’ of Beta Alpha Delta, a self-proclaimed eco-warrior and budding influencer named Phoebe King (here you’ll find a link to Phoebe King’s social media page where she earnestly stresses she never tried to join BAD while being called many vicious names in the comments sections), blew the whistle on the UC Santa Barbara chapter of BAD’s sadistic hazing practices. In response to this, BAD’s Vice President, Tiffany Parker had this to say, “That little bitch? Yeah. I remember her. She poisoned the Trojam Stallion.” (Here you’ll find a link to Phoebe King’s social media page where she earnestly denies poisoning any animal mascots).

(Here you'll see an ad for TROJAM BRAND CONDOMS, which features an anthropomorphic stallion wearing a letterman jacket and jeans getting ready to bust down Helen of Troy's walls, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.)

But rather than comply with the demands of their alma maters, the APEs and BADs have taken the bold (and some might say, downright reckless) decision to go rogue. They have disaffiliated from USC and UCLA, shunning the very institutions that once embraced them. In a move that screams “you can’t fire us, we quit,” the two groups have effectively gone underground. Their rebellion has inspired half a dozen other fraternities and sororities to follow in their footsteps. In the process the APEs and BADs have become the figureheads of a larger movement, pushing back against university regulations and attempting to create a Greek life without boundaries.

Critics argue that this act of defiance only serves to prove the universities’ point about the organizations’ lack of responsibility and disregard for student safety. UCLA’s head of student affairs had this to say, “We are obviously deeply disappointed that Alpha Phi Epsilon and Beta Alpha Delta have chosen to follow an unfortunate national trend by disaffiliating from the university – against our strongest recommendations. It has been driven by nothing more than an unfathomable obsession with eliminating all common sense oversight from the university, going against 130 years of tradition.”

Meanwhile, the universities are scrambling to address the situation, as they attempt to regain control over their defiant Greek life renegades. New rules are being drafted, and administrators are vowing to crack down harder than ever before on fraternities and sororities that refuse to play by the rules. Other notorious strongholds of APE and BAD chapters, such as UC Santa Barbara, CSU Los Angeles, CSU Long Beach, and San Diego State University, are watching closely but have yet to announce any similar plans. When reached by phone, the Chief Information Officer of CSU LA had this to say, “Oh Christ…Ahahahahahahaha…wheeze…Hahahahahah….No, but seriously…Oh, what? Ah, yes. No, CSU LA does exist, and it is a real university separate from UCLA and USC. It’s a real place. Honest. We have 22,000 students enrolled. Yeah, that’s it…Yes…I know our campus is basically a freeway interchange…”

There are rumors that officials at both universities have been shocked by the scale of the backlash to the suspensions. Both APE and BAD are known for churning out a disproportionate number of pro athletes, CEOs, celebrity influencers and real housewives…and they have been united in condemning the UCLA and USC’s joint suspension. Already, officials are whispering that it is the Los Angeles Mayor’s office which is truly to blame, after having pressured both universities behind the scenes to act. This is allegedly owing to a vague campaign promise to crack down on drunk driving in the face of what is shaping up to be a hotly contested mayoral election.

(At the bottom of the article you'll find an ad for the new downloadable app called 'Mandy Smash Legacy' by NikNak. It has an extremely attractive blonde and blue eyed cartoon avatar, and a huge amount of microtransactions.)

February 27, 2022: Book of the Week Review

Those who enjoy the Los Angeles Tribune will come across the following review of a book by Dr. Alan Westhampton-Powel III, the Professor Emeritus of Princeton University's Department of East Asian Studies. An excerpt is included below:

...Contemporary Qing writers referred to the Taiping Civil War (1850-1864) as the Hong-Yang Rebellion (referring to two of its most prominent leaders). It was also often dismissively referred to as the 'Red Sheep Rebellion', because 'Hong-Yang' sounds like Red Sheep' in Chinese. Qing writers were loathe to refer to the Rebellion as more than a 'period of chaos' or 'unruly banditry' so as to deny the Taiping movement any credibility. However, the truth is that it was the largest civil war in history, with over ten million combatants and thirty million dead. And that is a lot, even by Chinese standards.

More colloquially, the Manchu elite of the Qing Empire referred to the Taiping (the majority of whom hailed from Southern Chinese ethnic groups, such as the Hakka) as 'Long-Hairs', because they did not shave their foreheads and braid their hair into a queue as Qing subjects were obligated to do, allowing their hair to grow long.

There's very little known about how the Taiping referred to the war (as most any material they managed to produce was almost immediately destroyed by the vengeful Qing). However, those scraps that remain suggest that the Taiping thought of the Qing in general (and the Manchus in particular) as some variant of demons or monsters. They used colorful language such as 'devouring the blood and souls of our children' as a metaphor for the Qing's infamously repressive taxation and bureaucracy. This completely unambiguous focus on economic redistribution is reflected by their prophet Hong's best known (and one of his only surviving) proclamations that they were 'fighting a holy war to rid the world of demons and establish paradise on earth'.

It wasn't until the formation of the modern People's Republic of China that the saga of the 'Taiping Heavenly Kingdom Movement' was reclaimed as a source of great interest, being seen as both a proto-nationalist and a proto-communist movement.

The following was written by the imperial scholar, historian and subprefect of Beijing known as Zongli Zongtang. Ironically, it was never published, having been written in early 1894 nearly three decades after the events witnessed in his first youth. This was just prior to the outbreak of the First Sino-Japanese War on 25 July, 1894, which would cripple the Qing Empire forever. Although the Qing Dynasty would limp on until as late as 1912, China would know only turmoil, invasion, famine and war for the next fifty years.

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As a learned and loyal servant of the Qing dynasty, it is my duty to recount the events of the so-called "Red Sheep Rebellion," which plagued our empire from 1850 to 1864. I must admit that I find this task distasteful, as the rebellion and its leaders were deluded and insane at best, but history must be recorded, no matter how contemptible its subjects. I am an old man, yet as all know, I was a first hand witness to many of the events as set down in my earlier treatise: Yēsū jīdū de zázhǒng gǒu (Ed. This roughly translates as "The Bastard Dogs of Jesus Christ's Supposed Brother Finally Get What's Coming To Them - Part Three"). It is my understanding that your Imperial Divinity desired a more abridged version, and as such, I have endeavored to compose the following in as concise and unbiased a fashion as possible.

The roots of this terrible conflict lie in the delusions of a failed scholar named Hong Xiuquan. After failing the civil service examinations multiple times - an indication of his intellectual deficiencies - Hong claimed to have had a series of visions, which led him to believe that he was the younger brother of Jesus Christ. This deranged belief formed the basis of his God Worshipping Society, which attracted the support of the desperate and uneducated.
In 1850, Hong Xiuquan's rabble launched their rebellion against our great dynasty, declaring the establishment of the so-called "Taiping Heavenly Kingdom."

I must pause here to mention the exploits of one Liu Fang, a Long-Hair general whose cunning and resourcefulness were perhaps exaggerated as a pseudo-legendary 'Heaven-Sent Fox', yet still proved himself a formidable adversary. Liu Fang played a crucial role in the capture of Nanjing (Ed. Nanjing was the 'Southern Capital' of the Qing Empire, and its loss gave legitimacy to the Taiping leadership who established their own rival administration.), infiltrating the city's defenses and sabotaging its gates, allowing the Taiping forces to enter and seize control - a truly dark day in our history.

Another notorious rebel commander was a priestess turned demonic prostitute named Li Mei, a fanatic adherent of the Taiping cause who it was claimed, possessed supernatural power in the martial arts. While it is true that the 'Whore of the Black Flag' demonstrated great ferocity, her actions ultimately did little to alter the course of events as shall be seen.

The Hong-Yang regime engaged in all manner of perversions. They abolished private property, established communal land ownership, and promoted twisted forms of gender equality such as allowing women to become examination candidates. As a primus graduate myself, I cannot help but scoff at their naivete and ignorance.

As the rebellion continued, The Long-Hair's forces suffered from internal strife and a lack of effective leadership. Their northern expedition in 1853, an attempt to capture our glorious capital, Beijing, was an abject failure. It was at this point that the tide began to slowly turn against the rebels - although it would require a decade more of fighting before the rightful order of the world was restored.

In 1864, our great empire's Xiang Army, under the capable command of General Zeng Guofan, besieged the last, great rebel stronghold of Nanjing, which had served as their capital since its capture many yars before. He was determined to eradicate the scourge that had plagued our great dynasty for 14 long years.

As the siege tightened around the beleaguered city, the situation within Nanjing grew increasingly dire. Food and supplies dwindled, and the inhabitants faced the twin threats of starvation and disease. The once-mighty Taiping upstarts, brought low by its own hubris and the indomitable spirit of the Qing dynasty, were on the brink of collapse.

Realizing that their situation was hopeless, Liu Fang and Li Mei made a final, desperate attempt to break through our lines and escape the doomed city. Under the cover of darkness, they gathered what remained of their forces and launched a daring sortie against our well-prepared positions. Despite their insane efforts, however, their attack was repulsed, and they were forced to retreat back into the besieged city.

As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, the last vestiges of resistance were relentlessly crushed by General Zeng Guofan. The fall of Nanjing was imminent, and the fate of the rebel leaders sealed. Liu Fang, the cunning one, met a suitably grisly end in a skirmish within the city's walls, struck down by a stray arrow as he attempted to rally the few remaining defenders.

Li Mei's fate remains unknown. It is said that in the final hours of the siege, she and a handful of loyal followers and their families barricaded themselves within the huge, newly built Taoping cathedral in the city center, determined to make their last stand against our victorious Xiang Army. Although vastly outnumbered and surrounded, it is claimed that they repelled every attack until - after the ninth such assault by the emperor's elite Manchu bannermen had been repelled, and their corpses piled in evidence of their gallantry - General Zeng reluctantly put honor before glory.

General Zeng Guofan declared that he had a higher duty to preserve the life of the Qing Emperor's innocent subjects. As such, he ordered the temple set ablaze to spare the Xiang soldiery of further losses. And when that too failed to break Li Mei and her demented fanatics (who shamefully fought on despite the wailing and pleading of their burning children), he prudently ordered the cathedral obliterated with a battery of bombards as supplied by our British and French allies. When that too failed to extinguish resistance, he established a cordon around the ruins and finally starved them to death over the course of the next seventeen days, during which they were supposedly reduced to cannibalism. Hurrah!

The city of Nanjing was liberated from the grip of the deluded rebels, and the rightful rule of our glorious Qing dynasty was restored. As I record these events, I cannot help but feel a mixture of pity and disdain for the rebel fallen. The fates of Liu Fang and Li Mei serve as stark reminders of the perils of following false prophets and challenging the established order. As a loyal Qing servant, I cannot help but lament the senseless loss of life that occurred during the troubles.

In the years that followed the recapture of Nanjing, the great Qing dynasty worked tirelessly to rebuild the city and repair the damage caused by the rebellion. The people of Nanjing, freed from the oppressive rule of the Hong-Yang regime, once again prospered under the benevolent guidance of our illustrious empire. The lessons learned from this dark chapter in our history have left an indelible mark on our nation, serving as a constant reminder of the importance of unity, stability, and the wisdom of our ancestral traditions.

May the eternal wisdom of our great Qing dynasty guide our people to a future of peace, prosperity, and harmony.

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December 25, 2021: Karner Blue (1980-2021): A Genius Deferred

Those of you who check the online Entertainment News section of Los Angeles' flagship newspaper, the Los Angeles Tribune, will find the following article on Christmas morning:

… KARNER BLUE (1980-2021) has been sadly confirmed as deceased. The world-famous talent acquisition group, William Morris Colossal, has released a press statement lamenting that the renowned, avant-garde director passed away peacefully in his sleep late last week, after his beautiful Hollywood home (the infamous party mansion known as Der Blaue Engel), caught on fire, burning him alive.

INSERT PICTURE OF KARNER BLUE NEXT TO CHRISTMAS AD SPONSORED BY AVALON INC DECLARING 'SEASONS SAVINGS AT THE GROVE'

After making a name for himself and his bizarre, chilling, yet strangely sensuous works in the naughty Oughties, Karner Blue burst into the limelight with his first feature, ‘(A)VOID’ (loosely inspired by Georges Perec’s novel) back in 2017. The two films that followed — ‘Juliet, Cried Juliet’ (2019), and ‘The Color of Moonlight Inside of a Dream’ (2020) — cemented his position as a rising star and fixture in Hollywood. Both films dealt with intense explorations of love, madness, and obsession.

INSERT PICTURE OF MOVIE POSTER FOR 'JULIET, CRIED JULIET' NEXT TO CHRISTMAS AD SPONSORED BY AVALON INC OF A VAGUELY URBAN-LOOKING CHIPMUNK PILOTING A DRONE-LIKE TOY WITH DOLLAR SIGNS FOR EYES. IT HAS A BUILT-IN LASER POINTER YOU CAN BLIND PEOPLE WITH. YOU CAN GET IT AT THE GROVE. IT'S THAT BIG OUTDOOR MALL IN BEVERLY GROVE. JUST OFF 3RD STREET. NEAR PARK LA BREA. ALTHOUGH YOU'RE BETTER OFF GETTING ON BEVERLY BOULEVARD AND THEN TURNING ONTO FAIRFAX SINCE YOU KNOW HOW WILSHIRE GETS.

A man of contradictions and no small amount of mystery, Blue was known for his wild mood swings and wilder ideas. He made waves when a few years ago, he moved into a mansion in the Sunset Hills that became known as Der Blaue Engel. For the past two years, he has been engaged in an adaptation of Bertolt Brecht’s Threepenny Opera that he was reported to have vowed to make the most expensive feature film ever produced, as well as a science fiction blockbuster (whose connection to a well known ‘cinematic universe’ franchise let to accusations of Karner Blue ‘selling out’) that was slated to come to theaters in the Summer of 2024.

The film department at Los Angeles City College (Go Cubs!) has already committed to produce a retrospective of Karner Blue’s work. It will begin with his earliest short films and culminate with his award-winning, soi-disant masterpiece, ‘The Color of Moonlight.’ Film critics, actors, and other contributors to Karner Blue’s oeuvre will be available for comment.

It is unknown at this time if Mr. Blue’s tragic death was the result of tragic accident, deliberate malevolence, or merely his rumored life-crippling drug addiction, which often lead to long periods of seclusion. Der Blaue Engel has been targeted before in a bizarre home invasion staged by obsessed fans of the late director. In fact, Mr. Blue is said to have recently finished an extensive renovation, costing millions of dollars, which included a world-class fire-suppression system and special flame-retardant paints. It would appear that this system was able to save the structure itself – yet the interior has largely been rendered uninhabitable, absent yet another multi-million dollar renovation.

INSERT PICTURE OF A CHRISTMAS AD SPONSORED BY AVALON INC EXTOLLING A PLAYHOUSE HIGH TECH FIRE SUPPRESSION SYSTEM - NOW ON SALE AT THE GROVE.

Further complicating the future fate of Der Blaue Engel, is the fact that Mr. Blue was apparently deeply in debt.

INSERT PICTURE OF A CHRISTMAS AD SPONSORED BY AVALON INC SHOWING A LADY THAT CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY HER BRAT AN ACTION BILL PLAYSET EXTOLLING AN APP YOU CAN DOWNLOAD TO GET 'PAYCHECK ADVANCES'. YOU SHOULD DOWNLOAD IT AT THE GROVE.

Indeed, his hard partying lifestyle and deranged creativity might have been a secret plea for help, or else designed to distract him from his own impending bankruptcy. This writer can report that William Morris Colossal-

INSERT PICTURE OF A CHRISTMAS AD SPONSORED BY AVALON INC TELLING YOU TO STOP READING THE FUCKING ARTICLE AND GO TO THE GROVE ALREADY. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT ONE DEAD EUROTRASH DIRECTOR? HE WAS PROBABLY QUEER ANYWAYS.

is already initiating litigation with a surprising range of panicked creditors who intend to battle it out over Karner Blue’s creative properties and his controversial cinematic legacy.

December 18, 2021: Have You Seen Me?

Those who enjoy the Los Angeles Tribune will encounter a front page article this morning, addressing the recent, mysterious disappearance of Deputy District Attorney Felicita Espinoza (Age 25).

Los Angeles, CA – A Mexican-American legal wunderkind, Felicita Espinoza was born to two wealthy and well-known lawyers. A studious girl who some say didn’t make friends easily as a child, she nonetheless applied herself and was accepted into UCLA, where she double-majored in Criminal Justice and Law. She was one of the youngest Deputy District Attorneys ever when hired by the Los Angeles County DA’s office in 2019.

INSERT THE BEST PICTURE OF FELICITA ESPINOZA THAT HER MOTHER COULD FIND.

Her friends remember Felicita as a gifted guitar player and singer in her spare time, and the law enforcement community remembers her as a tireless supporter and advocate for justice (as well as karaoke nights). She also had a passion for personal fitness, and was well known for her habit of jogging home at night. It was during one of these late night jogs where Miss Espinoza is feared to have been abducted, although the LAPD is remaining close-mouthed about current theories so as to spare her family any grief.

Felicita Espinoza’s supervisor, Special Assistant DA Tony Woo has attracted criticism for having assigned the relatively young Miss Espinoza to take point on confronting the infamously brutal Mexican cartels whose rivalries have been spilling over into Los Angeles County lately.

Special Assistant DA Tony Woo had this to say in response, “You didn’t know Felicita like I did. She was a fighter. When she wanted something she could be relentless. Everyone in this office admired Felicita for her…absolute unwillingness to compromise in the pursuit of justice. No one could have expected this would happen. In all likelihood, it had nothing to do with her job at all. I mean, I wouldn’t jog home at night in this city…But I guess that’s what separates someone like me from Felicita Espinoza. She was the kind of girl who would jog wherever she pleased. We’ll all miss her.”

Subsequent to that comment, Special Assistant DA Tony Woo attracted even greater criticism at appearing to write off Felicita Espinoza as dead without even her body having been found yet. At this time, the DA’s Office has not issued any other statement except to stress the most sincere condolences for Miss Espinoza’s family and friends, and a promise that justice will be done.

CRIME FEATURE: Three-Alarm Fire in the City of Commerce!

Commerce, CA – Late last night, numerous Fire Departments from all across Los Angeles, to include the City of Commerce, Vernon, and stations in East Los Angeles and Pico Rivera respond to reports of multiple explosions in one of the industrial yards located in the sprawling logistical hub of the county.

The San Andreas Foundation Company, providing preliminary and foundational site services to construction projects within the city, was reported to have a massive diesel fuel leak that ignited early Sunday morning, causing millions of dollars in damages, as the fuel tanks of several large pieces of construction equipment were ignited, leading to subsequent explosions that sent shrapnel and debris scattered into numerous buildings surrounding the heavy machinery yard. The cause of the fire is unknown, but preliminary reports state there was a breach in the perimeter fencing. LA Fire and Police are not releasing any details, however out of an abundance of caution, crime-scene tape encircles the yard, and investigators work into the mid-day hours combing the yard for any evidence.

Amateur reporters have sussed out that two are dead of severe trauma and burn wounds, and owing to the fire that took several hours to put out, were disfigured beyond identification, and industry experts with aerial photographs put the cost of damage in the yard to the heavy machinery at ‘tens of millions’, offering retail prices on foundation drilling rigs and pile drivers in the seven figures.

Already numerous social media accounts tagging both the fire and recent activism hashtags related to Endron Oil are attributing this to a protest action, an act of vandalism that has gone horribly wrong. SAF is noted to have been one of the companies involved in the initial construction phase of the Endron Oil Bristow Park site. When questioned about the nature of the incident at their headquarter yard, a spokesperson for the company declined to make an official statement regarding the incident, pending investigations, but iterated: “The safety of our employees and the jobs they perform are our chief concern, and we will be evaluating the situation as the investigation progresses.” Several workers for the company with social media accounts have mixed reactions, some in outrage over the loss in productivity, while several others celebrate tongue-in-cheek that they’ll get some paid vacation time during the abnormally busy winter season.

In the late afternoon, the public relations social media accounts for Endron Oil put out a statement in response to media inquiries and preliminary remarks from SAFCo., expressing their condolences for the loss of life, and reassuring the concerned public that the safety of their employees and contracted workers are important. “While we do not expect this to have a significant impact to the timetable of our project at our new Bristow Site, we will be offering security services to our other contracted companies in the wake of speculation surrounding the issue.”

Endron was recently in news related to industrial protesting after awarding one Mizhakwan Peltier their ‘Endron Endurance’ award and paying for her stay at Adventist Memorial Hospital, following her traumatic injuries after an anti-Catholic hate crime in nearby Boyle Heights.